Woke up feeling restless. Checked the phone for some messages. Nada. Must have left her phone and gone somewhere with the others. Feeling some stiffness and pain on the shoulders. Maybe from all the writing since yesterday. Thought for a while if it was better to have brought the laptop instead. Leaving the phone on, just in case she sends a message or decides to call. Knew right from the start that I wouldn't be able to keep up with this complete silence thing for three full days. A day and a half wasn't bad at all.
"Then, Bahiya, thus must you train yourself: in the seen, there will be just the seen; in the heard, just the heard; in the sensed, just the sensed; in the known, just the known. That is how, Bahiya, you must train yourself. Now, when, Bahiya, in the seen there will be just the seen; in the heard, just the heard; in the sensed, just the sensed; in the known, just the known, then Bahiya ... you will not be in it. And when, Bahiya, you will not be in it, then Bahiya, you will not be 'here' nor 'there' nor 'midway-between'. This itself is the end of suffering." ("World as Lover, World as Self", Joanna Macy)
Thinking now of how to live in the coming days. There's a sense of movement towards acting without attachments to some permanent idea of self. An intention to train the mind to see, perceive, feel, and know things just as they are. With no resulting movements toward judging or clinging. There is now some understanding that all the fears in the past come from these movements of the mind. Need to hold back, suspend, just know. Just seeing this form -- body and consciousness -- just living, working to ease suffering in others with each passing moment. There is no "I" because there is really no self that lasts or stays the same. Passing feelings and thoughts could not prop up such illusory self for long. Focus on intentions and actions. Identity, for whatever it's worth, is in one's actions.
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