Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Not just another summer

My current reading stack of around six books, includes this old copy (with yellowing pages) of Charlotte Joko Beck's Everyday Zen, whose all-white cover reminded me of The Beatles' White album.  And like its ethereal musical counterpart, Beck's writings has put me in this melancholic, out-of-this world mood.  Her lessons about dissolving every notion of self that arises out of one's thinking, and letting go of all the emotional attachments and desire for action that comes with each thought, have become some sort of mantras these past few days.  And yes, that good old Zen practice and thinking (or no-thinking) is suddenly back!  

Should be getting drunk now and throwing tantrums at existence with all the recent inexplicable developments at work.  This freelancing thing is driving the mind crazy with all its demands for producing outputs and meeting those deadlines, while holding back stringently on the returns.  Not earning anything, not being able to shell out a single cent for that vacation, not being able to get a cab for your daughter (forcing her instead to take the crowded bus from the airport), feeling quite useless and insubstantial - why the thought that such things must have happened before?  Thinking again of disappearing from the scene (not "no-self", says Beck).

Wondering lately how long this whole episode will last.  Tried imagining the point when, as with those mysterious pictures, one would be glancing back at this period and all the emotions it spawned, as aspects of the past you simply had to go through.  Really hard at this point.  It's going to be a long, hot, and dry summer- the sweat and headaches not helping at all to keep this mind calm and still as you wish it to be.  And so, all the lonely days and humid nights are just spent trying to contain this restlessness inside.

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