Friday, August 12, 2016

Finding the strength to keep on going

Rain pouring outside.  Not sure if it's just the monsoon rains, or a low pressure area that is about to turn into a typhoon in the coming days.  Here in the living room, thinking of starting a workshop design that was supposed to have been submitted two weeks ago.  A side of being which seems to resist taking on this kind of task now - one that would mean doing a presentation, facilitating a discussion, and talking to a lot of unfamiliar and quite opinionated people later.

My last job drained away whatever self-confidence that was left in this body.  Two years with hardly any affirming moment.  No time for reflection.  Just that daily grind of relating with people who are either too sure of themselves or who couldn't care less.  After all those cheerless days, the soul is reduced into this shabby state that shuns any form of human interaction save with family members and a few friends.  Longing to do a Steinbeck with a dog somewhere in the countryside.

Listening to Billy Joel's three-volume greatest hits album.  Playing right now from the television, via a USB stick.  Drowning anxieties from a fast-dwindling savings account, an uncertain income flow from current consultancies, and upcoming bills that need to be settled.  Resisting the urge to open Facebook and add another distraction.  Looked instead for the Wikipedia entry on "New York State of Mind" and learned that it was inspired by Joel's return trip to his home in the Big Apple.

This monkey-mind keeps on hurling disturbing thoughts about the current situation in the country - of the wanton killings, the fanaticism around the president and his irrational pronouncements, the disregard for life and democratic principles, the rehabilitation of a dead dictator's image.  Enough to make one swear to shut out such news and information from hereon, and simply focus on staying alive and "sucking the marrow" out of this existence.  But you know you just can't.

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