Retreat journal 4

Excitement over ideas in Joanna Macy's World as Lover, World as Self. Beginning to grasp the power of this notion of "dependent co-arising". Each moment is not predetermined solely by past decisions, but also by present intentions and actions. Related to this is the idea of mental habits or memories shaping consciousness, influencing actions and where such actions will lead to. There's an overall feeling of release, of being unburdened, with the thought of the freshness of each moment. Fate constantly being shaped by what one does in the present and in the future. A text message saying they just passed Taytay.

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Finding it hard to write again. There's this thought of having put down on paper everything that needs to be written. There's also this feeling of the futility of the whole thing. Like words losing their meaning gradually as they are repeated in every page. Lying in bed, there was this fear of the writing and the meditation serving as props for the illusory self. Panic and groping for the proper response. Went back to the practice of taking mental notes of everything.

The fear subsided. Lightness has come back just now with thoughts of persisting with the practice of loving-kindness. Of training the mind to nurture thoughts of concern and compassion for others. To the point of not being conscious at all that one is training. Have to learn to persist and plod on, just continue with loving-kindness.

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Sat again for a few minutes before starting to write this entry. There was an effort to bring back awareness to the breathing as thoughts slipped in and disappeared. Then realized that being conscious of the act of focusing on something was itself a thought. Concentrated on emptying the mind. Felt such void a couple of times, when thoughts of breathing, effort, and other things disappeared for a few seconds.

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No further message from Palawan. They must be staying in Puerto tonight. Went down again to the dining hall. The helpers were already cleaning up leftovers from the afternoon's snack. Took some bread and butter. Made a warm chocolate drink. The only meal for the day, and the last one for this retreat. Passed by some of the other people doing their retreat. Wondering what they were thinking. Hardly had time to join them in any activity here at the center.